The No Contact Rule: How to Regain Your Sense of Self Post-Breakup

Breakups hurt, especially if it was a relationship you really invested into, whether it was with an ex-lover, friend, or even a family member. There can be dozens of reasons why things came down to break up as well, and you might want to just let the other person know that you are hurt and eventually reconcile…

But does it really work that way? If someone has to lose you to know your worth, is the relationship really worth your efforts and emotional investment? 

Well, I am no judge to that, only you are! 

If somewhere you realize that this particular relationship wasn’t what you wanted, or worth compromising your sense of self for, then no matter how painful it might seem or what the other person tries, it’s time to give a try to the No Contact Rule.

What is No Contact Rule?

What is No Contact Rule?

It is not as much of a rule as time to get yourself back up without succumbing to any lingering influences. No Contact Rule is when you cease all contact, whether it’s text, social media, call or face to face talk, with your ex or the person you just had a falling out with due to any reason.

In this duration, which can be as short or as long as you need, you neither initiate nor respond to any kind of communication with the person, but it’s not to make them realize anything, or as many articles claim “to want you back.”

The main aim of No Contact is to give yourself time to get over a relationship, to come out of the shadow of a shared time that didn’t turn out to be what you wanted or needed. It’s for you to take time to regain your sense of self, especially after getting out of an unhealthy relationship.

Is it Easy or Helpful?

Easy? No.

Helpful? Yes.

Getting out of a relationship is never easy. You remember all the good things and filter out the bad ones; you seek security, comfort, and familiarity. Pain comes along, and you feel maybe it wasn’t that serious of an issue, which eventually led the things to fall through.

Stop right there with that train of thought! This shows, or sends a message to others, how less you deem your worth to be. Your self-respect, dignity, if you ignore everything just because you ‘miss’ the person or the familiar feeling, trust me, it’s not going to help you in any way and will only lead you further from a healthy and happy future.

The No Contact Rule is hard to implement and follow-through, but it is very helpful when it comes to rebuilding yourself post a painful breakup. It gives you time to think things through, to see things clearly and not with a ‘lovelorn filter’ as we tend to do when we are invested in something a lot emotionally.

So while it may be tough, persevere and make your decisions without lingering ‘affections’ clouding your judgment.

What if My Ex Tries to Contact Me?

This is a common occurrence, that while you decide to have no contact whatsoever with the person, you suddenly receive texts like “I miss you” or “Hey! How have you been?”. Though it is very tempting to respond, specifically when you are still trying to figure out stuff, don’t do it.

There’s a good reason for that, as it hardly happens that someone with whom your relationship fell apart because of their actions, or negligence, or hurt, will realize their mistakes suddenly and want to reconcile with you genuinely. People don’t change that easily, and if they actually did, they would send you a more meaningful and clear message instead of the vague I Miss Yous.

That is not to say you can’t reply at all, but if you absolutely must keep it short, clear, and to the point. A calm and collected reply that doesn’t leave them room to squeeze their pretense of normalcy into is the best.

Don’t make it easy for them to influence you again and lure you into doing what they want when they don’t even realize what went wrong the last time. If you do, it will just be the same cycle all over again.

Healing Takes Time

Healing Takes Time

Healing after a breakup takes time, and there are many obstacles you need to overcome on your own before that. Things like giving in to your feelings, getting approached by the person you are using silence to keep at bay, and a lot of different factors. 

But after all this, if you are indeed able to keep your mind clear, your heart will eventually clear as well – from pain, from hurt, and from ghosts of pasts and any lingering attachments detrimental to your own sense of self.

So take your time, as much time as you need. Don’t rush. I know feelings are not something we can change just by wishing but don’t give up. It’s important for you to be able to move on with your dignity and sense of self intact and towards a more healthy future. And only when you feel you are ready, that you are not as vulnerable, as prone to falling into the pit you got yourself out of again, then you can go ahead with relaxing the No Contact Rule.


In the end, though our relationships form an important part of our life, they are not our life. Our life is our experiences, what we learned from that, what we feel genuinely happy doing, and the people who genuinely love us and care for us. So don’t let a past, neglectful, or even abusive relationship define your life or who you are. If you master the No Contact Rule then you have to try your hands at dating coaching.

The No Contact Rule gives you time to get over it and start afresh. Make sure to make the most of it!

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